Often there are moments in my life when I think I should not have to put up with this shit. 20% of the time this is because of my joyful job, 30% of the time this is due to my family, however, most of the time it is because of this annoying habit I’ve picked up. She’s less of a habit and more of a human…sort of. I’m starting to believe it was karma that bought her to me. I probably caused brutal genocide in another life and my punishment is five feet of hormones and two inches of frustratingly flawless hair. We’ve known each other since pre-school where the friendship bond was sealed with me telling everyone her dad was dead. (It’s not as bad as it sounds, promise!) Since then, we’ve gone to different high schools and re-united over a mutual fear of a bipolar Egyptian teacher and love for coffee. The old flame between us sparked up again pretty quick.
Three years down the line and we’ve transcended into whole other dimensions of friendship. I’ll let you in on a few of the highlights:
In no particular order,
1.No boundaries- No problem. Sharing is caring, the more intimate the better. Bodily fluids and functions discussed regularly
2. Talking with liquids in your mouth is A-Okay.
3. Insulting each other isn’t insulting. “You’re Shit” Is always followed by “Okay”
4. Dipping your biscuit in their coffee…this is not a euphemism.
5. Texting is less a means of communication and more a lifeline. Nothing is too trivial or minuscule to be shared via text. (In my biased opinion, our conversations should also be published and then worshiped like the Quran)
6. We do not talk in the car. We sing
7.We have become a single entity. We are the Olsen twins that share a plaque on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this
8. Its common knowledge I prefer her family to her
9.The birthday presents have gotten weird (last birthday, she got a wall shelf)
10. You can pretty much rely on the fact that one of us will forget/be late for any plans we’ve ever made even though we’ve altered them 82 times
11. What the shit were we laughing about in that hotel room in London?
12. Alternating calling each other mum…the roles in this relationship are slightly blurred; She looks after me and I kill the slugs
13. Weird dream conversations/analysis can last hours
14. “look at my new bra” *flashes* = acceptable everywhere – churches not included
15. The three person relationship functions flawlessly
16. I have a shit idea, will you help me, and even if you won’t, will you discuss it with me for eight hours? Thank-You.
17. Social media is only used to embarrass one another
18. 90% of our time together is food or coffee centered
19. Noises. We’ve heard noises no one should ever hear come out of an actual human being, much less a 19 year old girl. We also make wheel screeching sound affects with an odd yet impressive unison
20. My emotional attachment to her car is greater than that I have for living beings
It’s one of those illogically natural friendships. We have absolutely nothing in common with the exception of everything. Like my name, we’re an oxymoron.
I don’t doubt that in a previous life I actually did cause brutal genocide by some complete freak accident but maybe she isn’t my punishment. With the exception of number 11, (inside joke, if that), this list is the reason people in queues, shops, restaurants and passers-by actually stop and listen to us. Sometimes, I think it’s because they’re trying to work out which one of us is the carer and which one is disabled, but most the time it’s because we’re entertaining to say the least.
Having said that, I still don’t think I should have to put up with this shit.
originally posted 05/11/2014