Bad Weather Incoming
Once a year I have a freak out. An annual break down, if you will. Its normally around this time of year; It used to because I was back to school and work would be piling up and my attempts at hiding from responsibility were beginning to become futile. Last years’ was the fact that I had become an adult. I had turned 18, moving away a month or so later and was still getting up late and making pancakes for breakfast. A Stoptober advert was the catalyst for the great breakdown of 2013, reducing me to lying on my bedroom floor with a book over my face for a good four hours.
As for 2014’s breakdown, I’m preparing for it: Stocking the cupboards with tinned goods, updating the supply of bottled water and building an Anderson shelter as I type. I can feel it building in my mind but I can still shut it out at the moment. –I am aware my mental stability is something to be laughed at- I know what it will be about I just don’t know what stupid thing will set it off this year. Watch this space for Hurricane Grace…
Hurricane Grace: Heading South Aftermath Unsettling.
The great breakdown of 2014 hit the east coast of England, and my mind, on Friday. I spent a couple of hours alternately lying on the floor or pacing in silence. Then the silence seemed to disturb me a little bit more so I started to blast music. Standardised teen girl response. However, this year, it lasted longer than just an afternoon.
18 months ago, my older brother had dropped back into my school year, was failing 2/3 of his classes, a 19 year old paperboy and owed me £500+, excluding spare change in between. Out of the two of us, I was the successful one. That’s how the dynamic always worked, he got to be the charismatic, cool, popular one with no money and I got to be the slightly weird and/or scary, always-at-work, miraculously-smart-despite-her-attendance girl. In short, he was the drifter, I was not.
A month ago, the same brother was on holiday at my family’s house in Cyprus. Whilst he was out there, he stressed to my Grandmother that he was concerned about me. He thinks I am just drifting, that he’s worried about what I am going to do with my life.
It hurts that he thinks he has the authority to say that just because he’s got a job and is earning good money. I am officially his inferior in every way. He’s sitting pretty and I’m sitting around. He was once my favourite person in the entire world and now we barely talk. He knows nothing about my life or my plans so passing judgements like that really sting. The realisation that the roles have totally reversed also hurts.
I will not be the drifter. So, I am getting organised. This decision would be a lot more ground-breaking if you actually knew me. No part of me projects organisation; my appearance, the contents of my bag, the filing of my DVD’s, my employment …they all scream chaos. Normally when I make decisions like this I re-arrange my books, perhaps the contents of my drawers and call it a day. This time however, I mean business. I’m organising my life. I’ve sent in my university applications, I’ve paid for and am doing a Teaching English as a foreign Language course, I’m looking for work experience and internships, I’m getting glasses, I’m going to learn to drive, and I intend to cross 3 things off my bucket list by this time next year. I also intend to update this blog at least three times a week. I got distracted for a while but I think it’s over now.
I’d also just like to add that half of me feels guilty that I’m milking the hurricane puns to close caption my emotional wreckage as there is an actual hurricane threat now, but the other half of me thinks that I’m tapping into some undiscovered clairvoyance talent that will one day lead me to rule the world with the help of my trusty sidekick Ben and my newfound organisation skills. I’ve chosen to focus on the queen of the world thing.