“So! Last night I go to work and there is this table in the green room. I don’t think anything of it until there is this inappropriately hot guy there. I smile at him because if I didn’t smile at him I’d have to be a lesbian. So just before service gets really busy I go to the toilet, hot guy is there as I come out of the kitchen and I walk straight into him, he spills his beer over the both of us. Embarrassing situation numero uno. I then apologise and go to use the toilet and open the door and smack myself in the face. Embarrassing situation numero dos. And finally, he hears me telling the boys in the kitchen about it, popping his head in to tell me a) thanks for thinking he’s hot and b) that I didn’t embarrass myself too much. And that brings us to three wonderful moments in the space of five minutes. Enjoy this message. “
This was a message I sent both my best friends. This is my Graham Norton red chair moment. It takes a lot to embarrass me, and even by my standards, I was mortified. When my life flashes before my eyes as I die from some freak accident in my early forties, his beautiful face will glow in my mind as I will myself to die just that little bit quicker.
He told me later that his name is Harry, and is now referred to as ‘Hot Harry’. I actually told one of the lucky recipients of that message that this story will never make it onto the internet, but I was always taught the beginning of a story defined the entire thing. So, here it is, defining the tone for my entire blog.
I worked in the kitchen of a local restaurant. This was not the most glamorous of jobs. I would go to work in t-shirts I often wore to bed and my hair was often greasy because, frankly, washing it before work was just a blatant waste of water. So, as I said, I got to work and then there he was. I swear to god he lit up. Have you ever seen the cartoon Hercules? That’s what he looked like, all shimmering in gold and in my mind he was also bare chest. I used the term ‘smiled at him’ loosely. My lips sort of fumbled around my teeth in some sort of semblance of a smile but I don’t think it looked good or sane for that matter. I proceeded to the kitchen where I washed pots and pans and answer to the names ‘bitch tits’ or ‘cabbage’. This is when embarrassing moment numero uno takes places. It’s a step down from the servery to the restaurant and a blind corner so this incident is completely understandable. What is not completely understandable is how much I just patted him when he spilt his beer. I actually reached out and touched him. That is not acceptable human behaviour. He just sort of chuckled at me. I mumbled about 80,000 apologies in record time and told him to go to the bar and claim a free beer and to just tell the barman “it was Grace’s fault, he’ll believe you.”
Obviously, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. You know that feeling when you’ve done something stupid and you just can’t deal with life so you squeeze your eyes tightly shut and pray for your mind to delete what just happened from ever entering your mind again? Well, that’s what I was doing when I hit myself in the face with the door. Only, I downplayed it slightly in the text. I didn’t just hit myself in the face; I hit myself hard enough that I stumbled back and had to really restrain a string of expletives. Being asked, “Are you okay?” is usually welcomed in this situation, just maybe not from the guy who looks like “every rugby and cricket player you’ve ever ogled” and is wearing the beer you spilt down him.
When I finally returned to the kitchen after five minutes of pure self-hatred in the toilet, I couldn’t keep it in. I raved like a madwoman about this guy that I had just morbidly humiliated myself in front of…twice. And then there he is, leaning into the kitchen, half grinning at me, as he informs me and half of the workforce, “I think you’re exaggerating what I look like, but cheers anyway” and “it wasn’t that bad, definitely worth the free pint and look on your face.”
Morals of the story:
a. Peroni glasses are extremely unbalanced
b. Shower before work, regardless
c. Touching someone when they’re wet is unacceptable human behaviour
d. Hating yourself can wait until you’re hiding in the toilet
e. Keep your fat mouth shut
Originally posted 08/10/2014