This is potentially my most unpopular opinion: I strongly dislike Christmas. It has only just been knocked down a peg from hatred because this year I didn’t actually see my mother (except when she turned up at my door and I just turned around, but we won’t talk about that.) I think I stand out as the KKK for Christmas because no one likes to admit they don’t actually enjoy the event that makes children happy, skinny people fat and families come together. However, I am here to inspire you all with my words. I am here to coax the hatred out of you, to let it rule you, become a slave to your anger and revulsion for all of the following reasons:
1. Why on god’s green earth does it start in September? Why do shops put out decorations and advent calendars on the fourteenth of September? Why is that necessary?
2. So I’m supposed to afford Christmas presents, Christmas do’s, Christmas outfits and the rest of my life? Riiiiiight.
3. Christmas cards. What a pointless con. £3.50 for a pack of 12 cards, that I then have to sit and write because everyone else in my house is absolutely illiterate and then it’s the national bloody debt to post the buggers.
4. Having no intention whatsoever to give a present to someone who just gave you one. Internal moral dilemma of getting them a gift in return or outright letting them know how indifferent you are towards them.
5. Does anyone actually like mince pies?
6. I’ll have to clear out the mug cupboard again, because oh, look at that, I got eighteen mugs for Christmas. Cheers.
7. What infernal imbecile put their decorations up in November?
8. I have achieved nothing since December 16th. I am out of clean clothes, I have a pile of work and post to deal with and more importantly I am waayyyy behind on my tv shows!
9. If you dislike your family, you’re so beyond fucked!
10. The social media assault.
10.1 “amazing day at winter wonderland *insert picture under a ferris wheel with hats and gloves on*” you probably turned up, realised how expensive it is, quickly posed for the picture and left.
10.2 “been so spoilt by the boyf look what he got me” you have a boyfriend congratu-fucking-lations. You’ll be over him by New Years
10.3 “only three more sleeps til Christmas” SlEEPS?! UNACCEPTABLE UNLESS YOU’RE THREE.
11. Come January you’re two stone heavier, £300 in debt, avoiding relatives with a pile of unwanted yet-to-be-exchanged-for-store-credit gifts sitting in your hallway.
I had to restrain myself at 11, writing this sort of makes me understand how dictators start off. I think we can probably call that my last Christmas rant of 2014!
Having said all this, people change. I doubt I will, but you can! Come to the dark side. It’s great and there tends to be a lot more gin!
originally posted 30/12/2014