To whom it may concern,
You’ll probably be hearing from me in the very near future, but let me introduce myself; my name is Grace and apparently I am an adult. Unfortunately the evidence is stacking up against me, and I’m beginning to believe that very sad fact. I am an adult. I paid my rent early, I’m meal-planning and I have a spreadsheet of outgoings to work out my budget for every month/week/day factoring in planned events and holidays (be proud Sassy & Sweet Sophie.) Now, this not only highlights that I am now an organisational extraordinaire, which is one of the many many reasons you should hire me, but it also shows quite how desperately broke I am about to become.
This is the first time in my life I have been unemployed since I was about 14 years old. I don’t fully remember a point before i had some formation of personal income. From the spry, eager age of 14, I have clearly been a go-getting, ambitious little bean, personally I don’t think anything has changed. Maintaining employment also shows that I must be good for something, surely.
I think I’ve been dangerously dehydrated for about two weeks now, sweating with anxiety about failure and life and credit score and my phone bill bouncing. So, for the sake of my flatmates who have to listen to me rattle around our little home whilst I’m restless at night, pacing my floor into dust, please employ me. I slept at four last night, having a little break down about my fiscal situation. I understand the picture I’ve painted of myself is probably making you wonder why you’d employ such a nut cracker with quite blatant mental issues. My answer to you; I don’t know.
I’m an English Literature and Language student, I am over qualified in dealing with ass-face human beings and function on pure caffeine. I am not big on organised activities, so you wouldn’t have to worry about me not being available to work due to weekly hoopla’s and shindigs. My previous employment has set me for life in dealing with rude customers, should the job entail it (this one time I was actually dismissed with a regal flick of ones fingers and the polite demand “fuck off now”), and I have complete confidence in my ability to bullshit through any sales/promotion situation. The caffeine thing you’ll get used to….but at least it means I don’t need to sleep and I can work for you whenever you so choose!
I don’t really know how to sell myself to you, I feel like my CV doesn’t have enough of my personality in it, (Perhaps this letter has too much of it). I want to show you that I’m creative, I’m a little bit mad, I want to see the world as well as read about it, I’m pretty quick-witted and incredibly eager to work for you, and quite frankly if none of this is a selling point, then remember, I’m a student, I’m cheap labour and I will quite literally do anything.
Feel free to ask for references, my very best friends will love to comply and fill you in on some of my shining moments in life, I’m sure.
Disclaimer: I’m also a little bit clumsy. Nothing to worry about though.